Tuesday, August 16, 2005

i have only one word to describe my piano exam: atrocious.

i really dunno wad went into my head but i def didnt play the best i could *slaps myself*. it's jus soo depressing.. practise makes perfect?? NOT. i thot i was alright.. encouraged myself while waiting outside.. i wanted to enjoy wad could be the last exam for me.. and prolly the last time playing my pieces.. i was quite sure i was together.. den BOOM.

im sry bach, clementi and faure for making your songs sound so horrible.. my fingers jus felt so dry, and the keys so stiff.. dunno wad i was doing.. parts tt shld be brought out more, i forgot and didnt bring out enough.. articulation was messy.. sheesh. after each piece i was silently shaking my head.. i really could have played better.. really really. it's jus so wasted.. b4 the exam i was aiming perhaps for a merit.. the end it all off.. now. forget it.. i wanted to do well so badly.. i'd even rather fail some other sch test den do badly for this.. yeah, it's how important it is to me.. u have no idea how small i felt stepping out of tt room.. suddenly all my hopes of perhaps pursuing music jus popped.. very loudly too. =S

and the examiner. how unfriendly.. he had such a sharp and squeaky voice.. ok, not exactly squeaky but very very sharp.. and he speaks ultra fast.. so i had very little time to respons.. cldnt even think straight lah. i messed up aural. big time. he made me sit at the right side of the piano so i had a really hard time hearing the bass.. in fact i cldnt hear it at all.. and the chords i jus anyhow shoot off.. im positive i'll fail even worse den last yr.. I DUN WANT... well wad can i do??

reminds me of last yr gd7 when i also thot i did terribly.. tt time i was seriously gunna cry already.. cant accept it i suppose.. flkunked aural as usual and when i told my piano teacher abt tt she jus had to rub it in.. hmm.. maybe i shant tell her anything abt this yr's test.. let her see the comments herself.. i dread the results.. im so not confident at all..

maybe i shldnt try dip at all.. person like me prolly to lousy for it.. waste my money time and effort.. sighhh. a million more sighs.. i dunno wad to do now while waiting for the results.. the more i think of it the more i feel im actually not really good at it.. i always thot maybe jus maybe i was a little tiny weeny bit above average.. now i loathe to think so. im right down there at the bottom.. see me?? of course u cant. no one bothers to see the bottom of anything..

it jus hurts me to noe i cld have done so much better and yet at the most crucial part i give up on myself and failed myself. i mean so wad if pple ask me wad gd i am and i tell them 8 and yet when they see my results they faint?? ive let down everybody.. i dun deserve.. ive let down myself.. arghh. the stupid songs jus wont leave my head..

i love music and the exam jus had to spoil my day.

*lovEd chocoLates at*
5:40 PM